Explaining It Without Apologising

For a long time I explained my situation like I was owning up to something. Apologetic, over detailed, watching their face the whole way through to see how they were taking it. I would give people the full medical history when all they had actually asked was whether I fancied a coffee.

I thought I was being open. Looking back, I was doing something closer to bracing for impact. I was so sure it would land badly that I got in first and softened it, and in doing so I made it into a much bigger moment than it needed to be.

What I learned, slowly, is that people take their lead from you. If you explain it like it is a tragedy, they will treat you like a tragedy, because you have told them that is what this is. If you explain it plainly, as a fact about your life, most people simply nod and carry on with the conversation. They are not sat there looking for a reason to be uncomfortable. They are looking for a cue, and you are the one who gives it to them.

So I have a short version now, and it is about one sentence long. It covers what somebody actually needs to know and absolutely nothing else. If they want more, they will ask, and then I will happily tell them as much as they like. Most do not ask, and I had to learn not to read that as rudeness or squeamishness. It is just that it matters far less to them than it does to me, which is exactly as it should be.

You are not confessing to anything. You have not done anything wrong and you have nothing to make up for. It is simply a thing that is true about you, sitting alongside all the other things that are true about you, and it does not need an apology attached to the front of it.